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Sunday, April 24, 2011

If I were a girl

Most men have definitely thought about this in some capacity, but most men not in a serious context. I have thought about this my entire life. I've cross dressed since I was a child and I can specifically recall cross-dressing at age 4-5 years old. But then again I can recall doing kinky things to myself at 4-5. I remember showing another boy how I masturbated around the age of 7. I couldn't cum and didn't really know what I was doing but remember it feeling fantastic. So there was definitely something going on with me since I was born lol. But, this journal is focused on the cross-dressing....

It wasn't until I was a teen that I realized my body was different from most boys. I'm 6'2 but other than that I realized I had a much more feminine body frame. I associated cross-dressing with bdsm for the longest time because I had done so much research on bdsm from the age of 12 when I first got a computer and cross-dressers were thrown into that mixture. When I was 16 I remember reading about their being pills that guys could take to make them into a woman but I didn't really know if that was actually possibly. Non the less I would go to the drug store and look for these pills. Of course they didn't sell these pills there.

Now I was never a depressed teenager in fact I was just the opposite. I hid that I cross-dressed from everyone but I also wasn't depressed that I was a girl. But then again looking back at things I had much larger present concerns that I was dealing with. My father passed away 3 weeks before my 12th birthday and I turned into an angry teenager for years. Then there was a scare that my mother had breast cancer when I was about 16 and my grandmother who lived with us nearly died around the same time. (Side note, she turned 78 today). Then at 17 my mother got laid off and a whole new issue presented itself.

Once I finally graduated and was on my own the idea of transitioning became more and more present in my life. At the same time I got more and more involved in BDSM. Eventually dated a girl who loved that I cross-dressed and I kept thinking about transitioning. Now, a couple years ago with a doctors help I actually did take female hormones for 2 1/2 months. I loved it and yet it scared the shit out of me. More than anything I was worried about my future life as a woman and the struggles that I would face. I would also then be a lesbian because I've never wanted to be with a man. I had gotten my testosterone level tested prior to going on hormones and they were naturally lower than what a  males should be and they had reason to believe that I was born as an XXY (with an extra female chromosome) which would explain lots about my body.

These are the characteristics of being born an XXY
1. Breast development (only 10% of males have this)
2. Tall and thin
3. Little to no body hair
4. Little to no facial hair
5. Small hands for height
6. Small feet for height
7. Small testicles

I fit 2-7 100% and have low testosterone.
So to this day transitioning is something that I do think about. Especially because I know that if I transitioned that I would pass rather well. I personally know 2 MTF under 30 and I know 1 FTM. At the same time I don't see myself transitioning but it is honestly something that has crossed my mind and I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.

Funny enough, when I started to get my chest piece tattoo that was like me saying to myself that I would never transition because it's such a manly piece. At the same time I knew that a tattoo wasn't the end all.





All you have to do is ask every female that has ever fucked me with a strap-on and they will tell you how feminine my body is.... haha, but true. Now, 24 and all my friends and my mother knows that I do cross-dress. It is a part of me and I love that it is a part of me and it's great to have friends who are ok with who I am.

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