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Thursday, February 9, 2012

Transition?

FYI.... This is a very candid post


I've noted a few times through this blog that I considered transitioning, M2F in the past. I considered it so much that I saw a doctor, a counselor and took hormones for 6 or 8 weeks. I don't specifically recall the exact amount of weeks. I started hormones in mid December 2009 and then stopped after a few injections. So its been a little over 2 years since I had stopped taking injections.

A Little History:


Like many I've been cross-dressing since I was a child. At the same time I've been kinky since I was a child. All I knew was that both were not accepted by society. I have specific memories wanting to wear my sisters pink onesie instead of my blue one when I was about 5 and my sister was 12. When I could I would wear hers, even though it was big on me. At the same time when my grandfather was dieing I used to use some of his diapers, I was about 7. Then there was bondage and everything else that came with it.

As a child and as a teenager I always associated cross-dressing with kink/bdsm. Now these two things can be associated together but they can also be two completely different things. I learned how to masturbate "like a girl" by myself around the age or 7 or 8. I even tried to show one of my friends at the time and now look back embarrassed and always wondered if he recalled that night. As a teenager I always wore my sisters clothes. I would wear my girlfriends clothes, other girls clothes and when I got a job at 15 I began to buy my own girl clothes. At times it was sexual but many other times it wasn't. The older I've gotten the less sexual it has become.

More Recent:


I'm extremely kinky. There is no changing that, in fact I love that. With that said so many of my personal fantasies first involve me being in a "girl form" first and then the kink fantasy on top of that. I believe it was my sophomore year of college when I was at Columbia College Chicago and a teacher was talking about Klinefelter's Syndrome. I had no idea what it was, except that everything the teacher mentioned about it sounded just like my body. So I did some additional research and well I immediately thought that I could very well have it. Let me name some of the symptoms of being born XXY.

- Little to no body hair
- Little to no facial hair
- Small feet for your height
- Small hands for your height
- Often can be tall
- Can put on weight like a woman (Hips, thighs, butt)
- Small testicles (But has little effect on sex life)

- Also may have learning problems as a child
- Only 10% of guys have small natural breast growth.

Well, how do I fit in to all of this.
I am 6'2, 6'3 tall and wear a size 9 or 10 in mens shoes. I have rather small hands, I have little body hair, I have no facial hair, I put on weight like a woman and I have VERY small testicles. I also had learning problems as a child & took extra speech classes for about 5 years as a young kid. (I'm fine now).

When I went to a doctor to start hormones I had my testosterone tested. It came back low, at 192. Guys testosterone should range from a little over 200 up to I believe 900. I didn't get tested for Klinefelter's because I didn't have insurance and it's a 800 dollar test.

Now:


Two days ago, Tuesday I went to the school health center & I have insurance through the school. I found out that the Klinefelter's test is covered by my insurance after the health center did some research for 2 hours as it's a rare thing to be tested, at least at this place. I had my blood drawn and I'll find out the results in about 10 days. Whether I actually have it or not won't really have an affect on me, I just wanted to know.

Last week this guy was presenting in my class on about joining the multicultural program. I had heard this speech twice last quarter in other classes so I wasn't really paying much attention. Then suddenly he says that he is a F2M Transgender man. The whole class was surprised that's for sure. For that same class everyone has to write a 8-10 page paper for our final on a issue that is present in today's society.
I chose to title my paper, "Transgender Transitions In The Modern Day". I contacted this guy who had presented, his name is Corey and the other day I interviewed him as a source for my paper.

---

Lately, I've really been considering transitioning again. I'm meeting with a counselor here on campus who works with the GLBT community tomorrow (Friday). At worst, just to talk, just to talk through things. I've learned that this is a thought that won't every really leave me. I'm extremely happy with who I am. With being a boy. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm outgoing, fun, light hearted, easy to get along with and good with the women - :)
I'm not someone who gets depressed or has anxiety, in fact I'm just the opposite. But, because of this I feel that my decision to transition or not is more difficult. Would transitioning really be worth it? I'm happy, I just happen to actually feel that maybe I should transition. I'm actually confused and nervous just thinking about it.


My Fears:


1. Work - My profession. I've gone to college for 5 years now and I'm ready to begin my career, asap! If I transition I'm throwing a bit of a road block in my own path.
I think if I were to transition you would see me doing things for the GLBT community and be more involved in TG porn, kink etc.

2. A relationship. I've heard about the difficulties for TG's dating. With that said I would also have to adjust to being a "lesbian" because I'm attracted to women.

3. My height. Even though I know I pass pretty damn good already as a boy it's still an added fear.

4. My tattoos. I'm heavily tattooed and tattoos can limit women more than men.

5. Family and Friends. All my good friends know that I was on hormones previously. They all stood behind me. I told my grandma I was considering transitioning back then and she was ok with it. I didn't tell my mom but I did tell her I cross-dress and she said I don't want to think about my son doing that, but one I already knew and two I love you. My sister, doesn't know and I know she would not respond well at all! Plus she has 3 kids and I want to be a part of their lives.
All my family and friends know that I've been doing kinky porn and bdsm modeling and they are cool with it. In fact my mom gets a kick out of it. None the less it's still a natural concern.

6. Cost. To be honest I would want surgery rather soon in the process. Facial work and breasts within 1 year of transitioning and if possible be post-op within 2, 21/2 years. That's not cheap.

7. Voice. I know you can do voice training but it just seems like another hurdle to deal with.

Worth Noting:


If I were to transition I would want to fully transition. I would want to be a post-op and have a vagina. There is absolutely no question about that. In fact it's something I think about a lot more than any boy should.

Also, if I had more knowledge on transitioning as a teenager I know for a fact I would have began transitioning by the age of 18. I always associated cross-dressing and kink together and when I started to hear that people could change genders and about hormones I went to Walgreens to find these hormones. Only to learn that the herbal hormones don't do much. So I did want to transition even as a teenager but obviously I didn't because of lack of knowledge.

We'll see what happens. I don't want to be 30 and start transitioning. In fact, I won't be doing that. If I decide to transition it will be sooner than later. But, it's a big, big decision. I just want to be fair to myself and think it through thoroughly. Thinking about this does make me nervous, anxious and concerned. At the same time I'm excited and very unsure. So, hopefully I can talk with someone here at school and just work through my thoughts. See what the blood results come back as and figure out what's best for me.

Here's a new picture of me in natural make-up & my hair down.

4 comments:

  1. I really feel for you.

    For years, I have known that I was born in the wrong body but I thought that I was mentally sick!

    So to counteract my constant need to crossdress, I threw myself into being a boy and then a man.

    It's only in the last year or two that I've finally come to accept this...but here's my stumbling block, I'm 40, I have a long-term partner and I have two kids.

    If I could change my sex overnight I would do so in a flash, but I can no longer do that, I have to think of my family.

    But that doesn't mean that I will deny myself the pleasure anymore of cross-dressing nor will I stop myself from wearing female clothes, even when I am meant to be a man.

    You must do what is right for you, but please don't let yourself look back on your life with regrets...as I do!

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  2. Not that I'm an expert, but I know a little about this. I went to a college that had an incredibly high number of transitioning students, because the student body/community was largely very accepting and willing to respect pronouns and so forth. A decent number of my friends changed gender over the course of any given year. I know that constructing a vag is much easier than constructing a penis out of existing tissue, so you've got that going for you.

    Also, tall women exist. I'm tall, one of my best friends is 6'1", we are all over the place. Just tell nosy assholes that you played basketball in high school. I do. (And for the record, I'm a fucking biological female, but I'm tall, and have a rad jawline - when I was working at a LGBT club a few years ago, some MtF was like "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO PASSABLE!" and I was like awesome, good to know. lolol)

    And as someone with a pretty good amount of ink, it's really not as hard as you might think to blend in with conservative crowds as a female. It's becoming a standard part of culture and it's not like you have face tattoos, so just wear long sleeves and jewelry and you'll be fine. There is pretty good tattoo cover-up makeup by KatVonD or whatever her name is too.

    DSW will have your shoes, always. You're safe there. haha

    When you make your decision, remember to keep speaking with your fans and friends if you decide to transition. I know more than a few people who have had parties, fund raisers, and the like, to help cover the cost of surgery. Since you're not bashful about it, that may be a good option for you.

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  3. hello my dear,
    and you have struck on the great trans question... should we or shouldn't we transition... i have been full time once for 3+yrs before... then family issues forced me to jump back into boy world... now i'm about to jump into it again, never to jump back... going thru a divorce opens your eyes... and your mind to what i have denied myself over the years... you are lucky that you are as young as you are... once i had a son it made it much harder to do this long journey... but he is grown and moved on in his life.... it is now time for me to bloom into the woman i have longed to be... good luck in your choices... and with your journey.

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  4. well if you do decide to transition you will be a lovely girl/women.

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