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Saturday, September 6, 2014

I failed

Failed. 

It's my 28th birthday and it sure doesn't feel like it. We shot with Femdom Empire yesterday and the last scene was a whipping then caning. My stomach was acting up most the day and a headache crept in before the scene. This is after we shot some worship and strapon. 

She (owner) is a true sadist. I'm not a true masochist but I love taking lots of pain for Her. To see Her get such a rush pleases me to my core. There's also a deep connection when I can take high levels of pain for Her. 

Yesterday I failed. 
I struggled to take a big whipping and caning. I tried, I did but I just wasn't able to do so. I knew immediately that I let Her down. She didn't have to say anything, I knew. Afterwards I hoped in the shower, peaked my head out and asked if She was upset at me. She said no, you gave it your all and that's what matters. 

I sort of believed Her but knew it was a half truth. As the evening went on I could read Her body language and then She said I still have 20 needles in my ballsack I owed Her tonight. 

I begged to push it off one more day until we got back home on my birthday because my stomach was still upset and my headache was nagging. I've been pushing off the needles for a little while cause that just out right scares me. 
I let Her down again. I failed again. 

As we lay down to sleep She was stand off-ish. My birthday officially was here after midnight and She half hearted said Happy Birthday. I knew then I had truly let Her down. 
Tears ran down my cheeks as I layed on the other side of the bed. I genuinely care that I was such a disappointment. I felt helpless but my mind frame had geared up to "just take it, I owe Her". So I got up and grabbed some canes and put them in Her hand but She said no. I begged Her to beat me but She wouldn't. 

I crawled back into bed sad, tearful, mad at myself. Finally fell to sleep and woke up with a drive and determination of as soon as we get home I'm a pull out the needles, take them. Then bend over and take a caning until She feels like stopping. 

I can't let Her down like this. It's my job to take it and please Her. To let Her get steam out. I messed up and it's the worst feeling to let Her down. 

We are driving back home from Vegas as I write this. It's a 5 hour drive and Her frustration is pent up from something I hand control over and fucked up. She has no idea how serious I am to make it up to Her. 

As much as She needs to give the pain out I need to take it as I have failure, unsatisfaction, and guilt running through my body all because I let Her down and made Her feel the way She is feeling. 

I will make it up to Her

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