I've been on hiatus with my blog and many other aspects of my life that is in the public eye. I've pulled off of Fetlife, Twitter, my blog, and my attendance at kink events of any kind except for my attendance at Domcon LA and I also went to Folsom Street in San Francisco earlier in my hiatus. The reason for this is I've been going through a lot of personal change. With that said, I've decided to start opening myself up to the you guys once again as I do find it very therapeutic and enjoy hearing how I help others out as well.
What I would like to do is share a part of myself with you that I haven't talked much about. I mentioned that I'm transitioning to live as female. I've mentioned that I was born XXY (Intersex) called Klinefelter's Syndrome. I've clearly mentioned how kinky I am and shared my kinky life with you for years. But I haven't shared my struggles in finding my own gender identity, I haven't shared my path to how I got to where I am today, I haven't shared the ups and downs I've gone through in coming out to my friends, family, colleagues and others in my life.
So I'm going to share that all with you through text, images and videos.
I will also share more of my kink lifestyle with you as I did before. Many ask both me and Mistress Tangent on a regular basis and to address that question, yes we are still happily together. Once again I simply pulled back on sharing due to the massive changes I've been experiencing.
Right now I'm in Chicago, I've been here as of early July until July 25th. I'm here to do with family issues around my transition. I will have another post for you in a few days with many more details after I finishing announcing my transition publicly.
Thank you for all of your patience. My blog and my writings have always been very helpful to me and I love the interaction and feedback that it brings me from all of you.
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Transition?
FYI.... This is a very candid post
I've noted a few times through this blog that I considered transitioning, M2F in the past. I considered it so much that I saw a doctor, a counselor and took hormones for 6 or 8 weeks. I don't specifically recall the exact amount of weeks. I started hormones in mid December 2009 and then stopped after a few injections. So its been a little over 2 years since I had stopped taking injections.
A Little History:
Like many I've been cross-dressing since I was a child. At the same time I've been kinky since I was a child. All I knew was that both were not accepted by society. I have specific memories wanting to wear my sisters pink onesie instead of my blue one when I was about 5 and my sister was 12. When I could I would wear hers, even though it was big on me. At the same time when my grandfather was dieing I used to use some of his diapers, I was about 7. Then there was bondage and everything else that came with it.
As a child and as a teenager I always associated cross-dressing with kink/bdsm. Now these two things can be associated together but they can also be two completely different things. I learned how to masturbate "like a girl" by myself around the age or 7 or 8. I even tried to show one of my friends at the time and now look back embarrassed and always wondered if he recalled that night. As a teenager I always wore my sisters clothes. I would wear my girlfriends clothes, other girls clothes and when I got a job at 15 I began to buy my own girl clothes. At times it was sexual but many other times it wasn't. The older I've gotten the less sexual it has become.
More Recent:
I'm extremely kinky. There is no changing that, in fact I love that. With that said so many of my personal fantasies first involve me being in a "girl form" first and then the kink fantasy on top of that. I believe it was my sophomore year of college when I was at Columbia College Chicago and a teacher was talking about Klinefelter's Syndrome. I had no idea what it was, except that everything the teacher mentioned about it sounded just like my body. So I did some additional research and well I immediately thought that I could very well have it. Let me name some of the symptoms of being born XXY.
- Little to no body hair
- Little to no facial hair
- Small feet for your height
- Small hands for your height
- Often can be tall
- Can put on weight like a woman (Hips, thighs, butt)
- Small testicles (But has little effect on sex life)
- Also may have learning problems as a child
- Only 10% of guys have small natural breast growth.
Well, how do I fit in to all of this.
I am 6'2, 6'3 tall and wear a size 9 or 10 in mens shoes. I have rather small hands, I have little body hair, I have no facial hair, I put on weight like a woman and I have VERY small testicles. I also had learning problems as a child & took extra speech classes for about 5 years as a young kid. (I'm fine now).
When I went to a doctor to start hormones I had my testosterone tested. It came back low, at 192. Guys testosterone should range from a little over 200 up to I believe 900. I didn't get tested for Klinefelter's because I didn't have insurance and it's a 800 dollar test.
Now:
Two days ago, Tuesday I went to the school health center & I have insurance through the school. I found out that the Klinefelter's test is covered by my insurance after the health center did some research for 2 hours as it's a rare thing to be tested, at least at this place. I had my blood drawn and I'll find out the results in about 10 days. Whether I actually have it or not won't really have an affect on me, I just wanted to know.
Last week this guy was presenting in my class on about joining the multicultural program. I had heard this speech twice last quarter in other classes so I wasn't really paying much attention. Then suddenly he says that he is a F2M Transgender man. The whole class was surprised that's for sure. For that same class everyone has to write a 8-10 page paper for our final on a issue that is present in today's society.
I chose to title my paper, "Transgender Transitions In The Modern Day". I contacted this guy who had presented, his name is Corey and the other day I interviewed him as a source for my paper.
---
Lately, I've really been considering transitioning again. I'm meeting with a counselor here on campus who works with the GLBT community tomorrow (Friday). At worst, just to talk, just to talk through things. I've learned that this is a thought that won't every really leave me. I'm extremely happy with who I am. With being a boy. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm outgoing, fun, light hearted, easy to get along with and good with the women - :)
I'm not someone who gets depressed or has anxiety, in fact I'm just the opposite. But, because of this I feel that my decision to transition or not is more difficult. Would transitioning really be worth it? I'm happy, I just happen to actually feel that maybe I should transition. I'm actually confused and nervous just thinking about it.
My Fears:
1. Work - My profession. I've gone to college for 5 years now and I'm ready to begin my career, asap! If I transition I'm throwing a bit of a road block in my own path.
I think if I were to transition you would see me doing things for the GLBT community and be more involved in TG porn, kink etc.
2. A relationship. I've heard about the difficulties for TG's dating. With that said I would also have to adjust to being a "lesbian" because I'm attracted to women.
3. My height. Even though I know I pass pretty damn good already as a boy it's still an added fear.
4. My tattoos. I'm heavily tattooed and tattoos can limit women more than men.
5. Family and Friends. All my good friends know that I was on hormones previously. They all stood behind me. I told my grandma I was considering transitioning back then and she was ok with it. I didn't tell my mom but I did tell her I cross-dress and she said I don't want to think about my son doing that, but one I already knew and two I love you. My sister, doesn't know and I know she would not respond well at all! Plus she has 3 kids and I want to be a part of their lives.
All my family and friends know that I've been doing kinky porn and bdsm modeling and they are cool with it. In fact my mom gets a kick out of it. None the less it's still a natural concern.
6. Cost. To be honest I would want surgery rather soon in the process. Facial work and breasts within 1 year of transitioning and if possible be post-op within 2, 21/2 years. That's not cheap.
7. Voice. I know you can do voice training but it just seems like another hurdle to deal with.
Worth Noting:
If I were to transition I would want to fully transition. I would want to be a post-op and have a vagina. There is absolutely no question about that. In fact it's something I think about a lot more than any boy should.
Also, if I had more knowledge on transitioning as a teenager I know for a fact I would have began transitioning by the age of 18. I always associated cross-dressing and kink together and when I started to hear that people could change genders and about hormones I went to Walgreens to find these hormones. Only to learn that the herbal hormones don't do much. So I did want to transition even as a teenager but obviously I didn't because of lack of knowledge.
We'll see what happens. I don't want to be 30 and start transitioning. In fact, I won't be doing that. If I decide to transition it will be sooner than later. But, it's a big, big decision. I just want to be fair to myself and think it through thoroughly. Thinking about this does make me nervous, anxious and concerned. At the same time I'm excited and very unsure. So, hopefully I can talk with someone here at school and just work through my thoughts. See what the blood results come back as and figure out what's best for me.
Here's a new picture of me in natural make-up & my hair down.
I've noted a few times through this blog that I considered transitioning, M2F in the past. I considered it so much that I saw a doctor, a counselor and took hormones for 6 or 8 weeks. I don't specifically recall the exact amount of weeks. I started hormones in mid December 2009 and then stopped after a few injections. So its been a little over 2 years since I had stopped taking injections.
A Little History:
Like many I've been cross-dressing since I was a child. At the same time I've been kinky since I was a child. All I knew was that both were not accepted by society. I have specific memories wanting to wear my sisters pink onesie instead of my blue one when I was about 5 and my sister was 12. When I could I would wear hers, even though it was big on me. At the same time when my grandfather was dieing I used to use some of his diapers, I was about 7. Then there was bondage and everything else that came with it.
As a child and as a teenager I always associated cross-dressing with kink/bdsm. Now these two things can be associated together but they can also be two completely different things. I learned how to masturbate "like a girl" by myself around the age or 7 or 8. I even tried to show one of my friends at the time and now look back embarrassed and always wondered if he recalled that night. As a teenager I always wore my sisters clothes. I would wear my girlfriends clothes, other girls clothes and when I got a job at 15 I began to buy my own girl clothes. At times it was sexual but many other times it wasn't. The older I've gotten the less sexual it has become.
More Recent:
I'm extremely kinky. There is no changing that, in fact I love that. With that said so many of my personal fantasies first involve me being in a "girl form" first and then the kink fantasy on top of that. I believe it was my sophomore year of college when I was at Columbia College Chicago and a teacher was talking about Klinefelter's Syndrome. I had no idea what it was, except that everything the teacher mentioned about it sounded just like my body. So I did some additional research and well I immediately thought that I could very well have it. Let me name some of the symptoms of being born XXY.
- Little to no body hair
- Little to no facial hair
- Small feet for your height
- Small hands for your height
- Often can be tall
- Can put on weight like a woman (Hips, thighs, butt)
- Small testicles (But has little effect on sex life)
- Also may have learning problems as a child
- Only 10% of guys have small natural breast growth.
Well, how do I fit in to all of this.
I am 6'2, 6'3 tall and wear a size 9 or 10 in mens shoes. I have rather small hands, I have little body hair, I have no facial hair, I put on weight like a woman and I have VERY small testicles. I also had learning problems as a child & took extra speech classes for about 5 years as a young kid. (I'm fine now).
When I went to a doctor to start hormones I had my testosterone tested. It came back low, at 192. Guys testosterone should range from a little over 200 up to I believe 900. I didn't get tested for Klinefelter's because I didn't have insurance and it's a 800 dollar test.
Now:
Two days ago, Tuesday I went to the school health center & I have insurance through the school. I found out that the Klinefelter's test is covered by my insurance after the health center did some research for 2 hours as it's a rare thing to be tested, at least at this place. I had my blood drawn and I'll find out the results in about 10 days. Whether I actually have it or not won't really have an affect on me, I just wanted to know.
Last week this guy was presenting in my class on about joining the multicultural program. I had heard this speech twice last quarter in other classes so I wasn't really paying much attention. Then suddenly he says that he is a F2M Transgender man. The whole class was surprised that's for sure. For that same class everyone has to write a 8-10 page paper for our final on a issue that is present in today's society.
I chose to title my paper, "Transgender Transitions In The Modern Day". I contacted this guy who had presented, his name is Corey and the other day I interviewed him as a source for my paper.
---
Lately, I've really been considering transitioning again. I'm meeting with a counselor here on campus who works with the GLBT community tomorrow (Friday). At worst, just to talk, just to talk through things. I've learned that this is a thought that won't every really leave me. I'm extremely happy with who I am. With being a boy. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm outgoing, fun, light hearted, easy to get along with and good with the women - :)
I'm not someone who gets depressed or has anxiety, in fact I'm just the opposite. But, because of this I feel that my decision to transition or not is more difficult. Would transitioning really be worth it? I'm happy, I just happen to actually feel that maybe I should transition. I'm actually confused and nervous just thinking about it.
My Fears:
1. Work - My profession. I've gone to college for 5 years now and I'm ready to begin my career, asap! If I transition I'm throwing a bit of a road block in my own path.
I think if I were to transition you would see me doing things for the GLBT community and be more involved in TG porn, kink etc.
2. A relationship. I've heard about the difficulties for TG's dating. With that said I would also have to adjust to being a "lesbian" because I'm attracted to women.
3. My height. Even though I know I pass pretty damn good already as a boy it's still an added fear.
4. My tattoos. I'm heavily tattooed and tattoos can limit women more than men.
5. Family and Friends. All my good friends know that I was on hormones previously. They all stood behind me. I told my grandma I was considering transitioning back then and she was ok with it. I didn't tell my mom but I did tell her I cross-dress and she said I don't want to think about my son doing that, but one I already knew and two I love you. My sister, doesn't know and I know she would not respond well at all! Plus she has 3 kids and I want to be a part of their lives.
All my family and friends know that I've been doing kinky porn and bdsm modeling and they are cool with it. In fact my mom gets a kick out of it. None the less it's still a natural concern.
6. Cost. To be honest I would want surgery rather soon in the process. Facial work and breasts within 1 year of transitioning and if possible be post-op within 2, 21/2 years. That's not cheap.
7. Voice. I know you can do voice training but it just seems like another hurdle to deal with.
Worth Noting:
If I were to transition I would want to fully transition. I would want to be a post-op and have a vagina. There is absolutely no question about that. In fact it's something I think about a lot more than any boy should.
Also, if I had more knowledge on transitioning as a teenager I know for a fact I would have began transitioning by the age of 18. I always associated cross-dressing and kink together and when I started to hear that people could change genders and about hormones I went to Walgreens to find these hormones. Only to learn that the herbal hormones don't do much. So I did want to transition even as a teenager but obviously I didn't because of lack of knowledge.
We'll see what happens. I don't want to be 30 and start transitioning. In fact, I won't be doing that. If I decide to transition it will be sooner than later. But, it's a big, big decision. I just want to be fair to myself and think it through thoroughly. Thinking about this does make me nervous, anxious and concerned. At the same time I'm excited and very unsure. So, hopefully I can talk with someone here at school and just work through my thoughts. See what the blood results come back as and figure out what's best for me.
Here's a new picture of me in natural make-up & my hair down.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
If I were a girl
Most men have definitely thought about this in some capacity, but most men not in a serious context. I have thought about this my entire life. I've cross dressed since I was a child and I can specifically recall cross-dressing at age 4-5 years old. But then again I can recall doing kinky things to myself at 4-5. I remember showing another boy how I masturbated around the age of 7. I couldn't cum and didn't really know what I was doing but remember it feeling fantastic. So there was definitely something going on with me since I was born lol. But, this journal is focused on the cross-dressing....
It wasn't until I was a teen that I realized my body was different from most boys. I'm 6'2 but other than that I realized I had a much more feminine body frame. I associated cross-dressing with bdsm for the longest time because I had done so much research on bdsm from the age of 12 when I first got a computer and cross-dressers were thrown into that mixture. When I was 16 I remember reading about their being pills that guys could take to make them into a woman but I didn't really know if that was actually possibly. Non the less I would go to the drug store and look for these pills. Of course they didn't sell these pills there.
Now I was never a depressed teenager in fact I was just the opposite. I hid that I cross-dressed from everyone but I also wasn't depressed that I was a girl. But then again looking back at things I had much larger present concerns that I was dealing with. My father passed away 3 weeks before my 12th birthday and I turned into an angry teenager for years. Then there was a scare that my mother had breast cancer when I was about 16 and my grandmother who lived with us nearly died around the same time. (Side note, she turned 78 today). Then at 17 my mother got laid off and a whole new issue presented itself.
Once I finally graduated and was on my own the idea of transitioning became more and more present in my life. At the same time I got more and more involved in BDSM. Eventually dated a girl who loved that I cross-dressed and I kept thinking about transitioning. Now, a couple years ago with a doctors help I actually did take female hormones for 2 1/2 months. I loved it and yet it scared the shit out of me. More than anything I was worried about my future life as a woman and the struggles that I would face. I would also then be a lesbian because I've never wanted to be with a man. I had gotten my testosterone level tested prior to going on hormones and they were naturally lower than what a males should be and they had reason to believe that I was born as an XXY (with an extra female chromosome) which would explain lots about my body.
These are the characteristics of being born an XXY
1. Breast development (only 10% of males have this)
2. Tall and thin
3. Little to no body hair
4. Little to no facial hair
5. Small hands for height
6. Small feet for height
7. Small testicles
I fit 2-7 100% and have low testosterone.
So to this day transitioning is something that I do think about. Especially because I know that if I transitioned that I would pass rather well. I personally know 2 MTF under 30 and I know 1 FTM. At the same time I don't see myself transitioning but it is honestly something that has crossed my mind and I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.
Funny enough, when I started to get my chest piece tattoo that was like me saying to myself that I would never transition because it's such a manly piece. At the same time I knew that a tattoo wasn't the end all.
All you have to do is ask every female that has ever fucked me with a strap-on and they will tell you how feminine my body is.... haha, but true. Now, 24 and all my friends and my mother knows that I do cross-dress. It is a part of me and I love that it is a part of me and it's great to have friends who are ok with who I am.
It wasn't until I was a teen that I realized my body was different from most boys. I'm 6'2 but other than that I realized I had a much more feminine body frame. I associated cross-dressing with bdsm for the longest time because I had done so much research on bdsm from the age of 12 when I first got a computer and cross-dressers were thrown into that mixture. When I was 16 I remember reading about their being pills that guys could take to make them into a woman but I didn't really know if that was actually possibly. Non the less I would go to the drug store and look for these pills. Of course they didn't sell these pills there.
Now I was never a depressed teenager in fact I was just the opposite. I hid that I cross-dressed from everyone but I also wasn't depressed that I was a girl. But then again looking back at things I had much larger present concerns that I was dealing with. My father passed away 3 weeks before my 12th birthday and I turned into an angry teenager for years. Then there was a scare that my mother had breast cancer when I was about 16 and my grandmother who lived with us nearly died around the same time. (Side note, she turned 78 today). Then at 17 my mother got laid off and a whole new issue presented itself.
Once I finally graduated and was on my own the idea of transitioning became more and more present in my life. At the same time I got more and more involved in BDSM. Eventually dated a girl who loved that I cross-dressed and I kept thinking about transitioning. Now, a couple years ago with a doctors help I actually did take female hormones for 2 1/2 months. I loved it and yet it scared the shit out of me. More than anything I was worried about my future life as a woman and the struggles that I would face. I would also then be a lesbian because I've never wanted to be with a man. I had gotten my testosterone level tested prior to going on hormones and they were naturally lower than what a males should be and they had reason to believe that I was born as an XXY (with an extra female chromosome) which would explain lots about my body.
These are the characteristics of being born an XXY
1. Breast development (only 10% of males have this)
2. Tall and thin
3. Little to no body hair
4. Little to no facial hair
5. Small hands for height
6. Small feet for height
7. Small testicles
I fit 2-7 100% and have low testosterone.
So to this day transitioning is something that I do think about. Especially because I know that if I transitioned that I would pass rather well. I personally know 2 MTF under 30 and I know 1 FTM. At the same time I don't see myself transitioning but it is honestly something that has crossed my mind and I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.
Funny enough, when I started to get my chest piece tattoo that was like me saying to myself that I would never transition because it's such a manly piece. At the same time I knew that a tattoo wasn't the end all.
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